Turning Wounds into Wisdom: Holiday Edition

For many survivors of sexual harm and trauma, the holiday season can be particularly difficult to navigate: societal expectations around holidays may place extra pressure and obligation, family gatherings can be triggering, and disrupted routines from traveling or hosting might leave you feeling afloat.

Here are three male survivors' reflections on how the holidays are challenging, and what they've found helpful for their healing journey:

JB: I decided to change my approach for the holiday season.

Being single now makes it hard to get into the Christmas spirit. When I was living in my house, my family decorated the inside and I was in charge doing the outside. Six years ago, I was going through a divorce and moved into a condo. I didn’t do any decorations for the holidays. I didn’t enjoy the holiday season at all.

Last year, I decided to change my approach for the holiday season. I bought a tree and some decorations. This helped me to enjoy the season and start some new memories. My children and grandkids live close to me. I enjoy the get-togethers and I cherish those times. I have learned through my healing journey that I have choices that I can make to live a life that I missed. I still have good memories from the past and am grateful for the new ones that will be made. Happy holidays, everyone.

Kevin Flood: I came up with my own personal plan.

The holidays could be my worst time of year. Before I was in recovery the holidays almost always turned into a binge that left me feelings terrible, because I knew it was coming and couldn’t keep myself even a little sober. After I stopped drinking, I still had a really rough time getting through the holidays staying sober. I relapsed more than once during the “holidays.” I finally got a sponsor and learned to listen and to ask questions at meetings about how others got through the holidays. I came up with my own personal plan:

I found every AA Club in the area and got their meeting lists for the holidays, some even had 24-hour schedules. I used my local AA website, asked others, and got the meeting lists for as many local meetings as I could find and attend. Frequently the Club’s increased their meetings and many had Christmas and New Years’ parties and dinners. I asked for rides if I needed them and encouraged others from my home group to attend as well. Sometimes a group of us would go to meetings at the Clubs together. For the years that I went home, I especially needed a plan and was able to set myself up for meetings before I got home. It made a big difference!

In a strong way I felt like “I-turned-myself-over-to-AA” for the holidays. I also answered the AA question of when you should go to a meeting; “When you want to and when you don’t want to.” After the first year of frequent holiday meetings, I looked forward to the safety, fun, and new people I met at the meetings. I’m still faced by the challenge of getting my plan organized before the holidays sneak up on me [but] having a plan for meetings really strengthened my sobriety.

Andrew Vinyard: I’m giving myself permission to make peace

I used to fear the holidays. There was a loneliness and hollowness attached to it that seemed inescapable. Now, after a little over a decade of consistent healing, I do not dread the last calendar months. With that said, because many of my injuries stem from my family, the societal focus on family and connection can still dredge up pain. That pain can still blind me from the reality of my current life. This time of year, I encourage myself to consider other possibilities even when I’m hurting. I remind myself that there’s a reason New Year’s resolutions come after the end of the year: now is not the time for change.

I’ve always loved metaphors so I’m going to use teething as a metaphor: I imagine being a baby and feeling the crevasses of my mouth, the softness of my gums, and the strange solidness of my new teeth. I may long for all my teeth to grow in, but it all has to happen in its own time. I’m giving myself permission to teeth for the rest of the year. I’m giving myself permission to make peace with the agitation, with the annoyance at the things in life that I press against and want away from. I’m going to let my tongue fumble with a new concept: I am lovable. I love myself. Like a new tooth, it may feel strange, out of place, yet it’s there. It came from me. It’s why I’m trying to heal. It’s why I’m here. If this holiday season you are around some of the people that hurt you the most, know that they can’t take away your self-love. It’s always there. Be that teething child and give yourself time to grow into your healing. I hope this helps.

Thanks to these men willing to share their experience and wisdom. How about you? Do you have a plan for the holidays? Who can you reach out to for support? Who can you offer support to during this time of year? What are your strategies for this season? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section.

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Be well. Stay safe. Take good care.

Mike