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Hiya! I’m Bradley Gubler. Let me tell you a little about myself and why I paint.
I was born in Cedar City, Utah in the 1950s but my family was from a smaller town nearby. This small town is what formed a foundation for who I am today.
A small town provided me with some opportunities, such as unsupervised exploration of the countryside. I developed a sense of safety and that was also enforced by the adults which led to a false belief of being a completely safe. This (false) sense of safety was a proud identity of the community.
The town had a good supply of people that showed kindness, gentleness and compassion but there were also people who abused children. The kindness, gentleness and compassion gave me an admired example. There were also unwanted examples of assault and sexual abuse, creating a dichotomy that I could not comprehend, inside the community, and my own home.
So, the best I could do was to bury it; deny it, and, for a while, successfully forget about it.
I quickly came to come up with a protective narrative to forget about it. I also avoided the abuser. Soon I was withdrawing from group activities. I did not want any possible attention by this man or anyone else. I became anxious and self-conscious. I became known for being agreeable; not to be a trouble maker; and people pleaser. But inside I was angry.
I stopped feeling pain, both physical and emotional, by the time I was 30. I also stopped feeling other emotions, like belonging, attachment, connection, and love. If anyone had asked how I was feeling, I honestly couldn’t have told them.
These feelings of emptiness were why I went to my first counselor. This person was intuitive and suggested that I was abused. I felt threatened and became angry. I was not ready to hear what he had to say. I wanted it fixed without seeing the cause. I did not return for many years.
When I started to remember past events and accept my past, I contacted another counselor. He is associated with MenHealing. I had individual counseling with him for months. He brought me into a support group with others who had similar histories, and later had a wonderful experience with the Weekend of Recovery workshops. These past experiences gave me insight into how the process of art can be helpful.
Art by itself is a joy.
I realize the process connects the emotional to the body, resulting in a creative meditation. My inner voice is in harmony to my body and feelings while creating a painting. The joy in creating art is in the process and not the end result. An end product became secondary. For me, mediation is exploration, and so is art. Art is another way for me to feel emotion, expression, sharing, seeing and being seen. The full depth.
