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For me, flowers have always been a way of life.
I have spent the majority of my life surrounded by flowers; planning, learning, and designing with the flowers that I have grown. Watching the process of them growing and blooming has always given me peace knowing that even in the darkest places of my mind, I can create beauty and find peace from the sometimes uncontrollable darkness of my past.
There is something so therapeutic about growing and designing with my own flowers. I have spent hours upon hours in my gardens; meditating, reflecting, crying, and working out frustrations based on the lasting effects of my abuse. For me it is a little bit about control, control over something that creates joy and beauty in the world. I think that the control comes from not being able to have control over the abuse that happened to me when I was nine years old.
While working with my former therapist and MenHealing team member Diana Thomas, she recommended I take part in one of the Weekends of Recovery up at Alta Resort, in Utah. It was one of the most impactful experiences of my healing journey. It gave validity to the struggle of being a grown adult male and knowing that you are not alone—there are hundreds of other men in this state that are trying to find recovery and peace of mind.
Another night of healing took place with MenHealing up at the University of Utah several years ago. It was an incredible experience to be there with other survivors and to be on the panel that night. But, what was more incredible was my late father, who was in attendance that evening and sat quietly through the whole evening. At the end of the panel a Q & A was held and my dad stood up in front of every one there and publicly apologized to me for not believing me when I came forward with the abuse.
He expressed his remorse for not supporting me and standing behind me. It was such a powerful evening for me and all those who were in attendance. Since his passing three years ago, I have reflected on that evening with MenHealing, and I am eternally grateful for that environment where my father could finally release guilt and shame that he has been carrying for almost 20 years.
When I decided to open my floral design studio 15 years ago, I didn’t think about how the process would help heal me and empower me—I needed to create a job after being laid off during a recession. I soon found out that working through my emotions while perfecting my craft was more far-reaching than I even thought possible.
People have asked me about my process: "How do I do what I do?" The answer is, “I really don’t know, it just comes out of my heart and mind, through my hands.” I have been in some of the darkest of places in my life and have found that designing for someone else’s big moments helps me to work through my resentment, trauma, and feelings. I find this to be very true when I meet with a grieving family over the loss of a loved one. I always try to make them laugh during our consultation. Trying to lift their burden and to celebrate their loved one through compassion, empathy, and above all, flowers.
I’m so in love with what I do. My personal driving force is joy—it’s the reason I sculpt living works of art and it inspires every design I create. Getting to know my clients, hearing their stories, and learning what brings them joy allows me to build personal arrangements that reach out and touch a piece of their hearts.
I have found that through my creative process with designing and growing, I am in my element. Whether in the studio or the greenhouse, I am me, fully and unapologetically me. I have been able to empower myself through my art, finding new techniques and processes that allow for more creativity and more healing.
Josh Knight
